sin of the past

sometimes i do really wonder did i do something that make me owe someone's kindness in my previous life. when you watch tv a lot, you always hear the person saying i will repay your kindness and good deed in my next life. can't be bothered to think so much at times. my friend used to tell me don't think so much in life. but can you really afford not to think that much when it may cause you not to sleep at night.

initially, i was planning to sleep early tonight but then i received a sms from my sis. she was actually crying on the phone over an argument with my mum. sometimes i do think my mum is overboard. dun you ever dare think i am an unfilial son. because if i tell you she really expects us, the children to contribute a lot in family life. not her fault because i blame it on her commitment to her family. i really sometimes think my aunt and grandma are pushing the limit. when you ask for favours, aren't you supposed to be reasonable to a certain extent but they are demanding the now. this kind of attitude really puts my mum at a very agitated position. and when my mum is frustrated, even i become her victim of complaints and disagreement. even got one point when i refuse to barge down, she still scold me. so i stop listening to what she said. i just listen to my heart.

so i can understand perfectly my sister's position. not only she wants you to do it her own style, she expects instant action. what do you think we are? even superman rests at times. although she doesn't expect me that much, she expects a lot from my older sister. sometimes, i do think my mum is biased. she always ask me and my sister to run the family errands but she forgets at times she has another son. hence, i always tell my mum, please be fair. i do not demand preferential treatment, i demand fairness. obviously, she told me she was not. hmmmm.... i am a person with logic and when i think the equation is out of order, be sure to hear it out right from me. hence, my constant argument with her again last summer. i can't seem to understand my mum sometimes.

with my sister crying over the phone, it really bogs me down a little bit. when is the condition going to get better. people always thought i am very care free. i tell you once again, i am not. as i always have to think so much in life, when i am out of there, i really need to be mind blank. i think i stand pretty well because i point out very clearly in life that i have my certain stands in life. if you want to be heard, make sure it is expressed clearly. or else, people are just going to push you here and there. that's why i guess some people can feel my aura of stubbornness. yes, i am stubborn. i do admit. but for everything i do, there must be a reason to it.

not to say i hate my mum or anything, she is a very loving and caring mum. she always know how to shower her love in means like cooking and making a fuss all over me. but then, her point of view and mine always differ. to her, everything just has to be simple. you should not expect too much in life. be ordinary. yes, that's the word. and ordinary is a BIG NO for me. i refuse to be the person with small achievement and be happy with it. i want to be somebody. still, i think i have a way to achieve an amicable solution. i just tell her what i want and from that time onward,she begins to accept who i want to be.

at times, i think i can be writing quite a dramatic family story if i were to pen down my story line. really dramatic that if i were to tell all over again, i will bet with my wealth that you are going to be shock. seriously, people who heard it before had only silence as a reaction. and i take it as it is. i always read the newspaper and the typical gen Y doesn't really suit me. i think i endure too much in this stupid life and i think i am gen Y person living the baby boomer life. life is hard. since when it was easy? can you please tell me. one more thing, people nowadays should stop complaining. bear with it. have you learned the word patience and endurance even just for awhile? if you dun, i believe, it is time to learn. do not be a fussy person because nobody wants to hear it and the person who pretends to enjoy listening to them are fake friends. seriously..... unless the people are your besties.

i really want to have a care-free life. sometimes, i just don't feel like living because it serves no real purpose at all. but at times, i find life interesting just the way it is. maybe, i have yet to find my goal in life because if i were to choose to be reborn or not, definitely choose the latter. being alive is not as interesting as you think it is. in the end, we will just be dead anyway. why bother living? haha, dun worry, this is definitely not a suicidal note. just my point of view of life.

seems like a circle of life, round and round. hopefully there it is journey with a destination.