The unspoken celebration

The third weekend of June. For many, it's about the celebration of father's Day. Here I am lying on my bed thinking. Should I wish or should I be staying quiet. I think sometimes not doing anything can be a good response.

It's kind of odd the surrounding at home. The close family members knew it. We knew it. My father is ill. As time passes on, I am kinda worried, and a little bit of feeling sorry. There's nothing much to celebrate about.

Part of growing up teaches me that situation like needs to be faced with equanimity. In all the turbulence happening, one needs to stay calm. Being emotional doesn't really help. Yea, I got that part done right. I ask a friend, is there something I could have done more. Probably but the question is what. My mum did not say much either. She said we just make do with what we can. It's not a bad life, just a disease that comes unexpectedly. Surprisingly calm with a mild tone of sadness. 

I wish he has less suffering and persevere through the challenging time. If believing to a religion helps, I hope he can practise it more. Not to end the suffering, but to end ones suffering of living. If my understanding is right, one should not yearn, one should not be afraid and one should not avoid. One just lives, collecting merits along the way. 

May all beings stay happy, peaceful and healthy always. Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam. 

practise what you preach

it is an interesting day. what turns to be a catch up with a good friend turns out to be the biggest teaching i will ever need. first, we realize we match in terms of personality. so the understanding is there.  and he is logic as 1+1=2 and no emotional and feeling should be involved in anything, no matter what. as conversation rolls on, it turns out he felt that he is stagnant at his current position. and he seem to be seeking advice from me.

i started asking what went wrong and how is handling it in terms of career and relationship. i think this is one of the best advice i have ever given. i tell him, be very logical and be you in your career. in relationship, be the opposite. don't be you. be the person who wants to make the relationship to work even though you apologize for things that you do not do wrong. there is no right and wrong in relationship. it is just a relationship that requires mutual understanding and compromise. be the bigger person. listen to me once.

he suddenly got enlightened. for all the things that have been his stumbling block suddenly becomes clear. good. i ask him, just do it. don't think.

blogger decides it's time to act, not to react. time to move on, not self degrade.

why are we here by ajahn brahma

to learn.

how to learn.

by getting the legs perfectly still. when they are still, the moon and stars are perfectly aligned. just like when the legs are still in the lake; then we can see the water clearly that the fishes are swimming.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RrCjzi74BA

food for thought

my learning journey will begin when i start to learn to be forgiving

peace that you are seeking

with the recent chao happening in the country, i find that everyone is feeling angry and revengeful. first thing first, what do you get from retaliation? while others do harm to you, shall you do harm to others to prove them wrong. at times like this, i tend to be quiet. not because i have no opinion. i understand the concept of peace.

peace is always sought inwardly. what others did shall not make an impact on you. hence, in order to restore the peace we use to enjoy, look into yourself. is there something you are not happy about that is causing your uneasiness? when you learn that you are in peace with yourself, that is all that matters.

for those who are causing or inciting the riots, i strongly encourage to them reflect. passing anger will not solve the problem permanently. ask yourself. are you happy with your current state. what can you do to achieve the inner peace.

learn not to listen to others but oneself. then we can start striving for a once, peaceful malaysia.

26 is not just a number, it is an age of self discovery

as i reach 26 in age number, i feel there is a part of me whom wish to learn more about religion. people might ask why at such an odd time. to be exact, the desire to acquire knowledge in the spiritual regard has never been foreign to me. since i was in my teenage years, the thought of reason human exists, particularly myself, appeared. hence, my curiosity to know more about oneself; hence the journey to search for me began.

"to be a better self than yesterday" is my motto in life. if i believe that today i have lived better than yesterday, i will be contented. with this in mind, i decided to take on a year of religious classes. i still continue my usual life : work, social and family. yet, this two-hour weekly lesson is slowly makes me understand my purpose in life better. in addition, this journey is taken with a close of friend, whom i have known for more than ten years. 

it is revealing and enlightening

thank you very much to my friend (ms chong) who introduced this class to me. though i am a chinese banana mentally (classes conducted in 100% mandarin), the yearning to learn myself better hopefully can overcome it all. #language should not be a barrier to learning#

photocopy machine.....brings back memories

it has been the same old routine. work, home, eat with friends, go back malacca and all over again. currently, i am working on a new engagement located in kuala lumpur. it is a fund management company. i am assigned two junior associates under my care.

as one of them is fresh graduate joining the working force. it is fun to see that he knows nothing. first, he was standing there, looking at the photocopy machine with a blur face. when he saw me looking at him, he said, "sorry, i don't know how to use a photocopy machine." i almost wanted to laugh back then but my instinct told me not to. it will be hurtful for his morale as a new staff. let's just be cool. i said, "it's alright," and proceeded showing him the way. this act of mine triggered a question. when did i become so familiar in using photocopy machine. i feel like an office boy. haha. nobody will tell you this but auditor does do some of the office boy job. send letter la, scan document, print document, photocopy document and filing. wow. i would say all this admin work stands about 20% of our working time. but it's not unusual. for the assurance world, documentation sums a huge proportion of evidence upon inquiries from superior as well as regulators.

i can handle you like a pro now. *proud

today marks 2 years 8 months 7 days of working. i can safely say i am contented as an auditor right now. but i am beginning to feel out of place. i think it is about to find a new lead. where it can motivates me and something i am deeply passionate about.



blogger thinking of resigning sometimes.

the romance of the past

during the raya break, i had decided to extend another three days to get an entire week off. awesome. part of me wanted to give my mind a break and have a good read. *ting (sound of a light bulb). i still have books that i have yet to read which i purchased during the big bad wolf event held in melaka during april. upon searching through the books, this book popped up. let's give it a shot. i have always heard about mr darcy but i wonder why the constant mention of him. turns out, he is a fictional character created by jane austen for women's fascination about the perfect man. when it comes to romance story, my earthly world will be shut and i will be brought into the world of imagination. 

quite a good read i would say. it talks about literature, books and book tour. the male hero is quite witty, humble and ordinary in human life. relate-able. but the mr darcy in the story originates from the past. the detailed description of the myriads splendid views of england did make me wanna buy a plane ticket and just fly there. bring me to london please. i think the time travel element that the writer brings is very refreshing indeed and subtle hinting of the first person character having wild dreams was always on my mind. there's always an element of miracle in love story.

finished within five days.

part of me want to believe in miracle because yours truly never believe in true love. perhaps it's time to have faith, mate.

travel embedded with life learning experience

little did i know, this litle hanoi travel made me thought a lot while experiencing tonnes of memorable experience.

it was a random idea brought up by my friend, "eh, why don't we go to ho chi minh?" after searching and googling through the airasia website, i suggested, why not hanoi? there's a promotion going. then, it was decided. i will be going with my high school friends: pc, andrew and ivan in july. while the plane booking was made few months in advance, the tour planning was done at the last week before we departed. all hail to mr ivan for making the necessary booking of tour. we did engage with a tour guide for the planning.

the first stop is hanoi. upon reaching the city, we are quite taken back when the question of "are you from china?" pops up at the airport during the immigration checking section. two vietnamese guys from the back of the queue investigate my friends with where are we from, what are we doing here and checked that our watches do really reflect malaysian time. i perspired a bit there. next up, we were greeted by our tour guide, Van ( pronounced as va-nh).

the first ride to the hotel is hell. the four wheel vehicle is moving at 80km per hour on the highway and the driver kept honking. he made the soft honks. during the journey, it was found that the honk is meant for "watch out, i'm coming. please make way." because the motorbikers really take their own sweet time changing lanes. i have to take several deep breaths to calm myself down. part of purpose of going away from kl is to avoid the jam but little did i know hanoi traffic and honks made it to a whole different level.

later on, we reached the hotel. van decided to bring us around for dinner. we walked a bit and stopped at a no name street hawker. i was intrigued. where is tables and chairs. after some vietnamese chat exchanges, she told us they will bring the table and chairs out. oh okay. but where are we sitting? she said right here and we are standing in the middle of pedestrian walk. that's awesome. while i do eat street food in melaka, sitting in the middle of the pedestrian path tops it all and the motorbikes are just parked beside us. and the pho is nice with the rich pork soup taste. recommended but i have no idea how to recommend to you as there is no shop name.

eating like a boss on the pedestrian path

next day, we are schedule to visit halong bay, one of the main reasons we visit vietnam. to get there, we have to be ready at 730am for the tour guide to fetch us as we will travel a few hours by bus to reach the bay. i have no idea what does halong bay looks like due to time constraint for research. as we reach, the awe-inspiring view just took my breath away. all in all, it is a relaxing cruise. plus i get to attempt fishing in the middle of night under the glittering stars. my most favourite activity of the moment. after 20 min of no fruitful labour from fishing, i headed up to the deck and lay down and rest, overlooking at the moon and myriads of wishful stars. i feel calm and serene at that moment. lovely.

picture from the deck

halong bay view during the cave hike

the scene my friend resembled LOTR. too bad, yours truly did not watch LOTR, yet a mystical view

after the cruise for two days, we are heading to SAPA, the village area in the mountains. journey requires sleeping in the cabin train. another first experience. i manage to sleep soundly but waken up with a sore throat and knees. what is this? we are greeted by a friendly and cheerful tour guide, May. she speaks fluent english. we are up for 2 days hiking. on the first day, i was unwell, tired and my legs are sore. i did finish the climb down the mountain and for the up part, i took the motorbike. wheee. a good deal considering the headache is worsening.

sleeping in the cabin train for the first time. wheeee

on the second day, i was feeling better and decided to join the tour. we talked a lot with the tour guide. suddenly, i feel a bit sad. their lives are not easy. facts: she has to walk one hour just to meet us from her village. she has no free time. all her time is either cooking, bring tours, harvesting the crops, going to jungle (which takes 7 hours) for planting another crop or cutting woods in the jungle. despite all this, i admire her cheerfulness, positive outlook and perseverance. silently, i sent a mental note to myself, "if she can do these with all the hardships, i believe i can do better with my life too. all i need is a positive attitude and hardwork."

I can do this too if she can

later, a friend got upset when she noted another friend had different view on the lives of the natives. the other friend thought they have a good life because they are contented. i think he lacks empathy but i don't judge. empathy is not something you can teach, it is something you have to experience to have it. to me, you can't change the fact that they are in such a condition and they have no option, but i like my tour guide as she exudes cheerfulness, positive outlook and hardwork. i admire her as a fellow friend. she learn english solely from tourist and her english communicative level will put some malaysians to shame. this is what you get when hardwork is put in. we bought a small little gift for her. the thought of tipping her crossed our minds. however, she did say all her money earned from bring tours are given to her mum to help out with food and the basic necessities hence the small gift.

outside May's house

our tour guide, May

the natives

after sapa trip, it is time to go back to hanoi for some shopping and dining. one little thing that deserves mentioning is definitely coffee in vietnam. they are rich and have a fine chocolate smell in it.

the boutique coffee shop discovered randomly. they served us a cup of luwak coffee

ps: this travel really makes me learn widely, wonder wildly and experience excitedly. thank you.

thank you little vietnam for all this life lessons and many first times experience

(images courtesy of mr ivan lee and miss chong)

own agenda

everyone has their own agenda. whatever it is, one will act according to one's agenda in mind.

take for instance,me. this year, we are having inter department games where everyone will play as a team according to your team. yours truly have decided to join other department to play volleyball. yes, i begin to love this game. at first, i feel it is alright because i just want to play along with a friend from another department. she is a good friend of mine. best buddy since joining the firm. and the thought of me might be leaving next year means this will be a last chance we can play together.

then i went for practice, everything seems fine. but when it comes to player selection, the team mastermind decided that my friend and i are best separated to different team.

part of me feel. hmmm. if the reason they are playing is to win and my reason to play is for companionship, i believe i am feeling reluctant to play anymore. hence, i do not feel obligated to play anymore.

don't get me wrong, i still love volleyball. it's just that i don't want to play this time around anymore. maybe i should just ask that i become a reserve player. in that way, i will feel better.

it's alright. things will not always go the way you want it. but feelings do matter, i choose to follow mine. to my best buddy, may you win the volleyball competition!

The Future

it was an invitation to help out at the orphanage. since it was a private event, i was thinking why not. just draw and distribute food to the kids. i thought it might do myself and the kids good since drawing is one of my favourite subjects. mediocre level compared to those friends of mine. still, i like the concept of colours being blended together and shading.

when i reached, i was the first one to reach. as i wasn't familiar with the home, i decided to loiter in my car, awaiting my friends. then, when my friend arrived, we started the meet and greet session. the kids were ravenous but surprisingly obedient. they were sitting in a big circle in the living room. hence, i started distributing the pizzas around. some were quite shy and some were quite daring. understandable as everyone is entitled to eat as much as they want.

while they were eating, i started to think. if i myself felt inadequate last time, what about they? of course, they have a shelter, a master to take care of them and an occasion outings. when i was younger, i craved for special attention. that makes me felt special. how do they feel? and i also thought about the disadvantages it brings being an orphan. well, i hope they are still too young to understand. all they should know is, with education, the possibilities are endless. i hope they have that in mind.

after the lunch, the event organiser asked the children to group around her. she was very suave and charismatic. she resembled one of my aunties residing in ampang. very similar style in the way she carry herself, the way she talk and even the cantonese dialect she speaks. i was impressed. thats how i decided, she must be as kind as the auntie i had. you may say i judge too quickly, but i say, my instinct and judgment beats your whatever-too-long-observation-requirements-to-be-good a crap. sometimes, you just know whether a person is kind or not from his/her actions and speeches. you don't have to wonder to far off.

then, she briefed them stating that she wanted to draw a picture. and the title is jeng jeng jeng, "The Future". i was taken aback for a moment there. a topic i stopped thinking for awhile. it got me thinking. what is the future that i want to see? she mentioned it can be anything 50 years from now. oh perfect. my retirement plan. haha. all i was thinking was reading, a beach and a picture. a bit odd but those were things that popped up in my mind at that time. so i just decided to draw along. why not.

everyone got into their positions with their utensils ready: a brush, buncho water colours, a pencil and a drawing paper. i distributed the papers around to check that everyone has a piece. i don't hope that by taking one myself, one poor kid will have none. luckily there is extra going around. yippie for me.

while drawing, there is this kid, "Onn", who told me he loves "seni" in school and he had been to melaka to visit the stadhuys building and singapore's universal studio. wah, kids nowadays are pretty lucky right. only 10 years old had the chance to visit singapore, he kept asking me what he was drawing. i have to keep guessing. he kept pushing until i get it right. i was relieved.

after finishing my drawing, i talked to him for a bit. for don't know what reason, he decided to take another paper and started a new paper. okay, maybe he has overflowing of creativity juice in his head. the purpose of this project is to let their creativity run free. i agreed. it did the job for me. for a moment there, i felt happy.

after finishing and all the cleaning up of my brush and polystyrene plate, i saw a kid holding my drawing. i asked him. yes, do you want to add colours to it, he nodded. okay la, since he was so keen, takkan i say tak boleh kan? there he goes. but after a while, my drawing was missing. that good huh? it's alright. i live for the moment, not for the picture. to me, the picture is just a window opportunity to see myself and to know what i want in the Future.

it has been a humbling experience to be able to learn from all this. one, you don't have to have a lot to be happy. two, you just have to make do with what you have. three, you can be kind to others, and others shall be kind to you.

a few photos to share to end the day. definitely a weekend to remember.

i was fortunate enough to grab a photo of my drawing before it went missing. =D

the kid who refined my painting. suspect no.1 for my missing drawing. it's ok. he can have it.

and the rest of them. the indian kid called me brother. i almost wanted to laugh of how informally he addressed me.

ps: my friend said she will organise one in the future. i gave her a doubtful look. she said, "don't look like you don't enjoy it. i know you did." she is reading me like a book. hope to be back in the future.

welcoming 2014

oh, hello. happy new year! various parties have wished us a better year ahead. i like the optimism. i hope the optimism lasts for the entire year. optimism is quite a hard quality for me to master. for 2013, i learn a bit better and i think i have become a better person by instilling positiveness into my life.

for one, i learn to take thing less seriously. less seriously as in when issue arises, i learn to be calm, think and act upon it rather than just reacting based on the impact of the issue. this new way of addressing the issue seems to blend well. i learn it from a friend of mine. i downloaded an app about positive notes, set some goals and be optimistic. first accomplishment for 2013 is i have completed all my CPA papers. woohoo! second one would be now i am a senior associate. another thumbs up. *fling dust from my shoulder.

2013 is quite a good year. happy events happened. sister gave birth. i am now uncle, hence, one person will constantly calling me "Uncle Seng". i feel like pinching his chubby face but since he is only 2 weeks plus old; i decided to delay my intention. hehe... 2013 had been a good one. thank you.

one feels like pinching the cheeks right?

maktub

for everything that is written, there is maktub. for every choice that has been made, the consequence has been written. if that is the case, our choices have limitless possibilities. but the circumstance that comes with limited choices left me pondering, can i be chosen not to live this life.

it is confusing. i often wonder why. maybe, i don't have to know why, i just have to know there is something to learn here.but if everything is termaktub, why can't i just learn it by giving me the myriads consequences. it might be a way to test human. how great.

blogger agrees at this moment, "segala benda yang berlaku di dunia ini telah termaktub."

the boy who daydreams

it had not been a habit of daydreaming for quite a while. if i daydream, i usually feel tired, sad and probably a little lost. not too long ago, a friend pointed out (so directly) that i was daydreaming when i was talking to her. i stunned for awhile. when i got myself collected, i thought, "yeah, it's probably true." i brushed it off as being tired. ever since i started working, i felt tired. i wonder where is all my energy. i felt like an old man. tired all the time.

part of me wants to blame the job but i think i have an answer already. a person today guided me today. he said i am always being haunted by my past. my inability to let go of my past is starting to make my perspective dim. in order to get myself out of this, i need to learn to accept the past and take it as it is and be more accepting of another person's weakness.

i find this a bitter pill to swallow. as much as i would like to deny this, i know it is true. i often think my past is an disadvantage to me. but it never has been the case till now. i need to learn the value of acceptance. previously, i chose to be silent. apparently, now i find that approach more useful. time to shut up, accept and move on.

everyone has a past. i just wish someone will just tell me, "it's okay to have a past." but part of my memory just refuse to let it go. can you tell me how?

can the wind just blows my past away like the autumn leaves?

you owe it to them

i have read a piece of written article. a very good read. yet, i have forgotten where i come across that.

it goes somewhere along this line, 'if you come across a problem and injustice and have an opportunity to change it, it is your duty to change it. you don't owe it to yourself but you owe it to the future generation so that they do not have to go through what you have been through.' i agree. there is a time when one has to step up and says enough is enough. do not let others tell you it is alright to be wronged. use your heart to tell you what to do. you have a brain and heart for a reason. use it and use it wisely. 

blogger thinking the time is now or never. 

uncertainty

during the past few weeks, i have been rather down. all thanks to my free time thinking. the more effort i put in thinking about my current state, the negativity element becomes too unbearable. you can say i was in the stage where i was practically getting along not really knowing what i was doing. i kept comforting myself that this is just a phase that everyone goes through. i was wrong. 

i had a chat with a friend over my current state. the advice given is apt. i need a plan. hence, i need a good sleep tonight and come out with a plan tomorrow. the future is in my hands. i should determine how it should be run instead of the other way round. 

random question of the day

out of curiosity, a colleague posted a question. it is very random. random till a point i think will not happen. but it is interesting nonetheless. worth pondering upon.

let say there is a non stoppable train moving very fast at an increasing speed. lay in front of the track is a fork split. in front on each side of the road has people tied to the track. either one party will die if the train moves to that side. on the left, lies 10 people and on the right lies your mum.

the question: if you hold the control far far away that you have no time to reach the destination. what would you do? the train is moving to the left without any interference.

after a while, i answered my colleague, "i think i will do nothing." i felt this is the right thing to do. first, if it is moving left already, why would i change the direction to kill my beloved one. my colleague questioned, "what about morality: it is 10 lifes vs 1 life"

i said, if i change the direction, i think i would not be able to sleep another night without thinking about what i did.

does this really make me an immoral person?

there you go. the random question of the day. he said it speaks a lot about someone from the action he would take. but to be honest, would i really do what i say? i don't know.

blogger, letting the randomness of the day lingers on his mind.

in times to come

since i could ever remember, i dreamed of big things. i want a big house, a big car, a grand career and definitely the travel-around-the-world holiday when i gets older.

those dreams are so different from what i have in mind now. i just need a home, a car to get me places and an occasional holiday to open up my world. not that i don't have the drive anymore. i just believe now i need to have a minimalist life, yet minimal enough for me to have my occasional pleasure.

everyone is striving for the previous dreams i had. then a thought strike through me. will i be the same person, chasing the same things all my life. happy or just want to have the same thing everyone has? hmmm....

actually i am more of a cultural person. i appreciate cultural values more than any others. i might prefer reading to travelling, holy shit. everyone will be throwing stones at me for travelling so much. but i just want to have a look of how others live their lives. the scenery not really fascinates me. but the experience of meeting others and listening to their stories excite me more than anything else.

hence, i dream of a life that really satisfies me. no longer the big-shot looking individual.

a happy job, a decent hobby and the oh-so-not glamour life that i used to want. never mind i have smaller car, house and vacation than you but i will be happier leading the bigger life than yours. setting standard against everyone else is sure a tiring task. that's what i learn from working.