The unspoken celebration

The third weekend of June. For many, it's about the celebration of father's Day. Here I am lying on my bed thinking. Should I wish or should I be staying quiet. I think sometimes not doing anything can be a good response.

It's kind of odd the surrounding at home. The close family members knew it. We knew it. My father is ill. As time passes on, I am kinda worried, and a little bit of feeling sorry. There's nothing much to celebrate about.

Part of growing up teaches me that situation like needs to be faced with equanimity. In all the turbulence happening, one needs to stay calm. Being emotional doesn't really help. Yea, I got that part done right. I ask a friend, is there something I could have done more. Probably but the question is what. My mum did not say much either. She said we just make do with what we can. It's not a bad life, just a disease that comes unexpectedly. Surprisingly calm with a mild tone of sadness. 

I wish he has less suffering and persevere through the challenging time. If believing to a religion helps, I hope he can practise it more. Not to end the suffering, but to end ones suffering of living. If my understanding is right, one should not yearn, one should not be afraid and one should not avoid. One just lives, collecting merits along the way. 

May all beings stay happy, peaceful and healthy always. Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam. 

photocopy machine.....brings back memories

it has been the same old routine. work, home, eat with friends, go back malacca and all over again. currently, i am working on a new engagement located in kuala lumpur. it is a fund management company. i am assigned two junior associates under my care.

as one of them is fresh graduate joining the working force. it is fun to see that he knows nothing. first, he was standing there, looking at the photocopy machine with a blur face. when he saw me looking at him, he said, "sorry, i don't know how to use a photocopy machine." i almost wanted to laugh back then but my instinct told me not to. it will be hurtful for his morale as a new staff. let's just be cool. i said, "it's alright," and proceeded showing him the way. this act of mine triggered a question. when did i become so familiar in using photocopy machine. i feel like an office boy. haha. nobody will tell you this but auditor does do some of the office boy job. send letter la, scan document, print document, photocopy document and filing. wow. i would say all this admin work stands about 20% of our working time. but it's not unusual. for the assurance world, documentation sums a huge proportion of evidence upon inquiries from superior as well as regulators.

i can handle you like a pro now. *proud

today marks 2 years 8 months 7 days of working. i can safely say i am contented as an auditor right now. but i am beginning to feel out of place. i think it is about to find a new lead. where it can motivates me and something i am deeply passionate about.



blogger thinking of resigning sometimes.

down the memory lane

It is the second week now. Sometimes, my mind will stop and ponder back to the past. How sweet the memory can be. It is true that you treasure things more when they are lost. Yup, during the time you are at the moment, you never thought that you will never come back for that moment anymore. How nostalgic.

The image of my late grandma still lingers on my mind. How she used to joke I were his youngest son because I like to call her "Mother" as a joke. =)

The day I received the news, I started to think who should I comfort first, "My aunt, my sister, my uncle or anyone?". Then, I stopped for awhile. The person who needed it the most was myself. I thought I am pretty tough myself for not shedding any tears during my two grandpas' funerals. It appeared that I am not as strong as I think I am. Well, the tears just flowed out without you thinking what you should do.

...Memories.... Can you tell me once again that I am your "lai chai" again? Although it sounded odd, I know deep down it will never be true. Fine, memories that I had is better than no fond memories. I kind of felt sad whenever some of friends told me that they are not close to their grandparents. Being around them give you the pleasure of being pampered. Yes, pamper. They make you feel like you are the most important soul in their lifes. Grandparents seldom nag and scold. Forever, joking and laughing. Who can give me these kind of feelings now? This is part and parcel of life I guess. Time to grow up then. Nobody is there to pamper you anymore. 

The happiness gained for these years is taken for granted. Rather than counting how short it is, it should be how long it has been. Time to face it. Bye, grandma! My mum said if the person loves you when they are alive, most likely they will still look after you in the afterlife.

(previously drafted half a year ago)

i guess we are not that different afterall

i had done a little different for my 2014's birthday. initially, i thought i just don't want to receive messages from people who wish it out of obligations since "everyone is doing it."

my goal is very simple: i just hope you wish me because you remember. you don't have to remember it, seriously but if you did, thank you.

fortunately, i have at least a person who remembered. thank you. it means one thing to me: i made a friend who is caring enough to remember. personally, i have a list of friends who i remember their birthday by hearts. some might be just months, others are up to the date.

then during this hanoi trip, i happen to remember a friend, who is travelling with me, has birthday in july roughly mid of july. when i asked, he did mention ya. which is on the last day of the hanoi trip.

i quickly plan something up: bought a hand-made carved card, bought a birthday cake and created a plan to surprise. it was done in a haste mode considering he is always travelling with us all the time. we were playing poker cards in our room for a bit. the birthday was supposed to be tomorrow. initally, i wanted to celebrate at 12am but he told us he wanted to sleep earlier before that as our flight is 840am check-in time. the golden opportunity stroke when he went into the toilet for a pee (it was meant to be a surprise celebration).

we rushed to get the cake, lit a candle and switched off the light. when he came out, it was dark until we started to sing birthday song. i hope he had fun and a happy surprise. little did i know that this friend of mine has removed this birth date notification similar to what i did this year, which he did few years back.

i hope by doing something for him, it makes him a little happier. i understand some people are a little shy or embarrassed about their birthdays. what matters is you have a good time and do know that someone remembers. hope that your birthday wish comes true.

happy 25th birthday!

Happy Birthday again, Ivan (friend since first day of year 1 in SK Tengkera 2).

a sound advice

weeks ago, i met a teacher who taught me bm back in my high school years. i was taken aback slightly because he has lost weight. i am always fond of this sir. he is one who not only inculcates the subject matter to you but life principles as well. throughout his lessons, i feel i have not only developed as a student, as a human being as well. he taught us how to be a good human being.

we exchanged greetings. he taught i am still studying in university. laughed a bit there. do i still look that young?

i did explain my job nature and the hours i put in for this work. he did advise me again. he said, "chee seng, when you have studied until very high in life, do not be afraid to give it up in search of happiness. just be happy." these sentences are still vividly remembered. i understand what he meant. it really takes courage to be happy. i am serious. there a few things one need in order to be in the state, in my opinion:

1) stop comparing
2) realise that everyone's journey is different
3) stay true to yourself
4) know what you want in life
5) stick to it once you found what you want

yeah, i know sir. thank you again for the life learning advice. i am in midst of process. it just takes time.

forever a teacher and life guide

blogger listening to lego house by ed

competitor

how do you define a competitor? do you fight nit and grit with your competitor. how one treats your competitor speaks a lot about the person.

i used to have one. to be exact, a classmate. this classmate of mine was kiasu at that time. me too. i admit. i don't like to lose. especially academically. criticise me for my foolishness during my youth but the only benchmark i ever know is the number of As out there; hence my race to get many As. it is not only the the number of As is important, the quality of A you have over your friends are important too. consider it something like relative comparison and absolute achievement.

it's nice to see many of these in your performance report card. one thing for sure, no question from parents.

there a few outstanding students in class, but you yourself know which one is your closest competitor. this one must have similar strengths as yours. whenever you did not do so well, you expected the same goes to that person. true enough. but later on, i noticed that our competitive advantage had diversified. my competitor more so in science and mathematics and yours truly am the language and artsy student. i grew to like the language subjects and with the exception to one science subject: biology.

the reason i wrote it down because i used to hang on to the thinking that, if i did well and my competitor did well. there is nothing to be proud off. that means, we were just performing with our normal selves but if you scored well and competitor did not, you felt proud.

after joining university, i no longer held such a view any longer. i begin to think what should i do to make myself marketable and yet happy doing it at the same time. i no longer had as much relative comparison. yea, it's nice occasionally to score high marks. it makes me sweeter if the subject is your favourite. humans... we can't stop comparing. but is there really a point to keep comparing. everyone wants different experience in life.

note to my past competitor: thank you. it has one hell of a race. i am glad that we have known each other. knowing you gives me the drive to do better. whatever the result is, as long as we have fought hard, the battle is already half won.

blogger currently listening to ♫ fish leong - ting bu dao

the humble pie

as days pass, i begin to understand what my mum used to tell me. when she said it last time, it sounded like illogical statements. not meant her to be crazy, i just could not understand her perspective.

for one, i slowly begin to understand what she meant, "how much one wears and eats in this life has been determined." at that particular moment, yeah right. if one doesn't work hard, there is nothing to wear and eat anyway. when i started working, i slowly see what she meant. even if you work hard and smart, if opportunity doesn't knock, you are nothing. if your meant to be successful, everything will come naturally. of course you will say it requires hard work as well. but who is not working hard? when you notice some people who are well off to do, you begin to compare, what a nice life to have. and then it will make you feel inadequate. from here, i learn that i am being discontented. what my mum gives is not so much in material wealth, she gives me in terms of principles in life and advice on how to handle things.

a store should sell humble pie and the eater should become instantly humble. that will be awesome

she wants me to be a critical thinker. she said don't trust your friends 100%, leave some for your own to think about. when you are in your teenage years, all you listen is your friends. i for one, learn to do things slightly differently because i choose to think for myself. well, i would say, i become a happier person because i think before i do. this has been a great advice i always cherish.

when she did mention how successful her friends' children are, i know she didn't mean to compare. because she already believe the adage of , "how much one wears and eats in this life has been determined." i think she just want to tell me, it's nice to have such comfortable things at life.

yes, mum. i do know what you meant by that. i will always remember what you said.

blogger begins to feel he is much more an adult than he used to be and glad to be at a phase when he can understand what those elderly always say. thank you for this enlightenment.