the part of me that needs to smile

people often ask why i always smile. simple, because i think life is good. i am satisfied with my current state of life.

do you know that if you have gone through the worst in life, you will learn to smile more? some might notice i seldom to share the past, the reason is i dun find the worth in sharing. if i do, the expected response is absolutely silence. i did share with five friends in life. nothing to be proud. i share because they care to ask. one thing i learn about life. it is not easy. when i begin to share my story, a friend told me. yes, i know. if you were to meet me a few years back, i will be exactly in the same position as you. the difference is, i am still in the same old position and you have already moved on past the stage.

since young, i think i cried a lot. sometimes i cried myself to sleep. and the thing is it is not even things that i can control. they are not about studies, relationship and friendship. so my worries have deeper impact. from young, i din expect much in life. i just want to have a normal, ordinary life. once, i told a friend about my story, she said. you dun look like you have been that much in life. yes, i did. that's how i manage to comfort her for being unhappy when problems crop up. somehow my story always makes other feels much better. can you imagine how my story makes me then? worthless. to be feel such a feeling when young is really not easy. i am quite thankful that suicide is never on my mind. i always thought such happenings never exist before in my life. thats the reason i did not care to share. probably, one day when i am old enough, i might write just to let sad people to feel better about themselves.

i think i have grown. but something still etches deeply. i have a grudge. i never forgive. with my strong details of memory, i can always think back and remember every important single moment in life. that's why i seldom forgive. one, i hate liars. two, i hate people who treat others like craps. i can tell you that feeling like  a crap is the worst. you do not even want to live for another day. that's why i rarely share. who wants to hear the crappy story. yes, nobody. if i were to tell all over again, i am afraid i myself cannot control the tears.

life is difficult, i think things have been improving. sometimes, i must really question. who the hell writes my life path. if i were to meet the person or divine being, i may choose to never to live. i hope nobody goes through. a shocking tale was told to me. actually, someone has contemplated suicide. i get to know this last summer. i think thats how bad it is. given the situation, i think even it occurs, i am not surprised honestly. thats why i choose not to forgive. the memory is still strong. maybe, one day but not now.

and some friends actually complain how their lives are just ordinary. be thankful you are ordinary. you just never know how extraordinary life can be and i dun mean the happier one. i think seldom people will share sad stories. have you read the "The Kitchen God's Wifebook" by Amy Tan. i think the book is written based on true story.

since so much has been thrown at me, i still survive. so there is no reason not to smile, do I? and friends said i am stubborn. why not, because i need to be stubborn to stand on my ground things that i believe in. i believe that your value is not determined by others. you decide how much you are worth. i believe in living the now because the past is just memories. best forgotten. and i believe be appreciative of people who believe in you. because only they will know your value in life. cling on to them and never let go. if you feel sad at times, just talk to them. actually, my life has been where i get a lot of support especially teachers. i do not understand when one stranger auntie looked at me and said boy, you look like you have been through a lot in life and i think you will be okay. at that time, i dun understand what is she saying but little did i know she actually meant my past.

enough said, now is 433am and i need to sleep.